A small moment of triumph.

After making my last post I sat back and read it over a few times, and was almost instantly hit by a strange urge to do something about it.  And by 'it', I mean my natural inclination to feel sorry for myself when things don't pan out, rather than taking action.

So, I did some googling, dragged my disease-ridden carcass out of the house and went down to my local branch of Sports Direct.  They were very nice.  Even though I bought the skates online, they were happy to exchange them and they even had a larger size of the same design in stock.  I walked out shortly after with skates that fitted, feeling a lot better about myself for actually *doing* something, even if it was something small.

I'm still too ill to actually use the skates.  To be honest, I got home and had to lie down for half an hour to recover, because I was feeling so washed out and shaky, but at least I did something!  I took action!

It's a small thing, and a small step, but if I manage another one tomorrow, and one the day after that....  maybe I'll get there in the end. ;) 

Bah!

The rollerskates I bought don't fit.   I tried on an identical pair in a shop before buying them, but I must have miss-read the size label when I ordered them online.

I can return them, but it's the Easter Weekend so the post office is shut until Tuesday.  In the meantime, I've re-boxed them and they are by the door, waiting.

It's a disappointment.  I mean, I'm too ill to actually use them right now anyway (I woke up this morning with a cold, just because I clearly wasn't feeling crappy enough already), but it's still a little bit gutting.  I was looking forward to this, and now I'll have to wait for them to be returned, processed, and exchanged before I can play with them.

If Deinonychus was 'Terrible Claw', what would 'Terrible Skater' be?

I ordered my rollerskates today.  It's a bit of a joke given that I'm still feeling very ill, but I'm hoping that I will be feeling stronger by the time they actually arrive.

I didn't go for a top-end pair, given that I don't know how I'm going to get on with them.  Instead I did some reading around, and went for a nice entry-level pair that also happened to be on sale (though they were on sale at Sports Direct, which I swear keeps things 'on sale' forever so no idea if I actually got a good deal or just paid the normal price with a fancy sticker on them....)  Still, they look sturdy and have good reviews.  If this is something I end up doing a lot of, I may consider a 'better' pair some time in the future.

I also got a cheap backpack to keep them in.  This means I can carry them easily to the sea-front when I want to use them, and I can also keep them in the backpack when I am at home, meaning they can be stored hanging from a hook.  It'll help keep the place tidy.  Which is also a joke, if anybody who knows me is reading this.

Can intensive housework be used as marathon preparation?  Because I certainly need to do a fair bit of both.

Well, bugger.

I have hit 2 significant set-backs, even though I am still fairly early on in my preparations:

1. the costume I had my eye on is out of stock pretty much everywhere, and the people selling it second hand on e-bay are asking nearly twice the standard retail price for it, which I can't afford.

2. I have suffered something of a nervous breakdown and have been signed off work for a few weeks to recover.  My GP actually wanted to sign me off for 3 months, but I talked him down because I love my job, even though it is actually the main source of unimaginable stress in my life right now. 

Problem 1 can be dealt with through saving and patience, and I'm really only mentioning it because it's part of my overall plan. Problem 2 is much more serious, however, and I'm hoping that by writing some of my thoughts about it down, it might help to clear my head a little (and maybe even make me feel better.) I have no intentions for this blog to turn into mopy, 'woe-is-me' ramblings, but I am a long-term sufferer of depression, so it was always inevitable that some of that was going to turn up here at one point or another. I mean, I'm planning on running a marathon. If anything is going to trigger depression in an morbidly obese bastard like me, it's going to happen during the gruelling preparations for an even more gruelling long-distance run. Even in a dinosaur costume.

Depression has always been a part of my life, and for the most part, I have it under control. I take medication, and I have had several courses of CBT as well as other talking therapies. Generally speaking, I live a normal life, with only the occasional slump into darkness. For the last 4-5 years, in fact, I have only had one serious episode and it came shortly after having (non-life-threatening) surgery, and may well have been caused by the exhaustion of physical recovery. That was about 18months ago.

 This episode is directly linked to work stress. I have a very stressful job, and at the moment, there are events going on at work (both directly affecting me and more general things in our department) which have increased the pressure exponentially. At this immediate point in time, I have seriously been considering giving up my job and changing to something monotonous and mundane, just to get away from the stress. I mean, this isn't normal stress. This is stress that had me admitted to hospital and undergoing a psychiatric evaluation before they would let me leave again. It's serious business. 

(Please note: I did not mention this blog in the evaluation. Given the circumstances, I was not convinced that talking about dressing up as a dinosaur and chasing people would be entirely appropriate, especially since I wanted to leave the hospital...)

So.... what am I doing to get back on track with things, both from a work point of view, and a rampaging-dinosaur point of view?
Well- I do have some plans.  I am in touch with my work's occupational health department, as well as applying to a local mental health charity to see if they can offer me some support.  I may take up yoga (depending on how confident I feel on the day- I have never done yoga in my life before...), since the person who gave me my psychiatric evaluation recommended it, and on the whole I tend to take medical advice when it's been given to me.  I am also, obviously, in touch with my GP, who is monitoring me pretty closely at the moment.   Oh, and tomorrow, I'm off to buy myself a pair of rollerskates, because I always used to enjoy them as a kid, and I feel like it would be a fun way to get back into exercising, rather than lumbering about attempting to jog, or something like that (that will come later.)

So, that's the plan: until further notice, I will be a yoga-performing, roller-skating future dinosaur.  Or at least, I will be until I start feeling better, or strong enough to try some actual, you know, running.

An Explination For This Blog

I feel as if I aught to explain myself a little, especially if you have wandered across this blog by mistake (which I assume you have, since I am not publicising it), and are wondering what on earth the tag-line is talking about.  Well, there are two main things that you really need to know about this blog:

1. I am writing it entirely for myself.

2. I am really, really unfit.

Let me put 'unfit' into perspective here:
It's not about my weight (although weight is certainly part of what's going on, since my BMI is over 50)- it's about health.  Health is relative, of course, and I- like many people- have a small list of medical conditions that will never go away.  A few years ago I suffered from a blood clot in my brain, which, by some incredible miracle, did not kill me or leave me with any brain damage, although I had to spend a year taking blood thinners and having scans to make sure that it had buggered off.  I also have mental health issues in the form of depression, which is currently well-controlled thanks to my awesome doctors (who actually listened to my concerns, rather than brushing them off).  I suffer from anxiety (although whether that's an actual mental issue or just the product of my environment, I honestly couldn't say.  I do have a very stressful job, which sadly I can't discuss here due to confidentially issues, although I can say that it is in the NHS.)

Oh, and this year -on a Christmas Day night shift, no less- I was diagnosed with chronic high blood pressure.  And by chronic, I really do mean it: if the average blood pressure is around 120/80, mine was hammering away at a staggering 212/120.   If one of my co-workers hadn't been teasing me about looking hot and sweaty, and convinced me to check my blood pressure as a joke, then I could have keeled over and had a stroke at any moment.

So, that all sounds pretty bad, I'm sure, and probably not the kind of history that you would expect to hear from a prospective marathon runner.  But it's not all bad:  I routinely work 12 hour shifts on my feet, and do so 3-4 times a week as part of my job. I have very low cholesterol levels, and despite being regularly tested, I have never developed diabetes.  In fact, up until Christmas, I even had good blood pressure, meaning that I did not suffer from any of the conditions that one might expect to see associated with my BMI.... but while that is certainly a good thing, I cannot afford to be complacent.

I could have died at Christmas.  I could have had a stoke, and died.

That is a very sobering thought.  It's very easy to carry on with life and never think about what comes after it, but this Christmas I was given a very stark insight into what the future (or lack of one) could hold for me, and frankly, I didn't like the look of it.  I don't want to die.  So, I decided that I need to do something to help my body avoid that for as long as possible.  And what can I do?  Well- getting into shape was the most obvious choice (yes, and losing weight...), but it's a daunting task.  I can walk along flat surfaces for hours, as proved by my job, and I can sprint 30feet to answer an emergency call bell without collapsing- but that's not the same as being physically fit.  I get breathless climbing stairs.  I don't *like* walking, because my enormous weight makes it very hard work.  But that's one of the reasons why I have allowed myself to get into this state: hard work is very off-putting, especially when you already have a stressful job that is also, quite literally, 'hard work.'

So, how does one who is naturally inclined to not face stress head on if at all possible, deal with the stress of potential death if I cannot change the habits of a lifetime?

Simple: do something that you find hilarious.

You know what's hilarious?  Runners being chased by dinosaurs.
Marathon runners, being chased by me- dressed as a dinosaur.

This is my goal:
I will find the perfect dinosaur costume.
I will find a way to fit into it.
I will haul my giant arse out of the house and get fit enough to run in it.
And I will chase those goddamn marathon runners all the way to finish line.

First ever post.

I am really, really scared right now.